FairlyOddPairofPants

w-for-wumbo:

mylourrydiary:

hlil:

Can u believe there are plants that are illegal
Plants

Can you believe there is love that is illegal
Love

can you believe it’s not butter
butter

If My Dog Could Talk
Dog: WAT DOING
Me: Nothing. I just stood up.
Dog: WHERE GO
Me: I'm literally walking 3 feet away. I'm not even leaving the room.
Dog: CAN I COME
Me: I mean sure but I'm literally just-
Dog: I COME TOO
Dog: WAT DOING
Me: I need to open this door.
Dog: I HALP
Me: No but you're in front of the door. Move please.
Dog: I HALP
Me: Sigh.
Dog: WHERE GOING
Me: I am going right back to the exact place I was sitting a second ago.
Dog: CAN I COME
Me: Sure.
Dog: I SIT IN LAP
Me: No please don't you are-
Dog: I SIT IN LAP
Me: No there's no room and-
Dog: LAP
Me: No, sit on the floor and I'll pet you.
Dog: RIGHT HERE
Me: That's literally on top of my leg.
Dog: IT'S PERFECT PET ME
Me: I am petting you. One second, let me just grab my glass-
Dog: PET ME PET ME PET ME PET ME
Me: I literally am petting you, I just needed a drink-
Dog: PET ME PET ME PET ME PET ME
Me: I AM
Dog: I SIT IN LAP
Dog: PET ME PET ME PET ME
Dog: HOLD SLOBBER TOY
Dog: SNEEZE IN UR FACE
Me: .......

zandhand:

spaghettl:

*uses your ashes as eyeshadow*

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destielsrainbowdick:

morlarty:

IF YOU GET STABBED DON’T FUCKING REMOVE THE KNIFE THE KNIFE IS KEEPING THE BLOOD INSIDE OF YOU IF YOU TAKE IT OUT YOU’LL BLEED OUT AND DIE.

however if you’re trying to kill someone DON’T FUCKING LEAVE THE KNIFE THE KNIFE IS KEEPING THE BLOOD INSIDE OF THEM IF YOU TAKE IT OUT THEY’LL BLEED OUT AND DIE.

tastefullyoffensive:

[thisisactual]
capt-spacedick:

highdie:

thankyouforthedildos:

you know why I love this? Because that man dressed as nurse joy was so committed to his character he dyed his mustache and beard.
my idol

I DIDNT EVEN REALISE THERE WAS A GUY OMG FAB

I laughed so hard I farted

capt-spacedick:

highdie:

thankyouforthedildos:

you know why I love this? Because that man dressed as nurse joy was so committed to his character he dyed his mustache and beard.

my idol

I DIDNT EVEN REALISE THERE WAS A GUY OMG FAB

I laughed so hard I farted

piertotum-locomottor:

breadmaakesyoufat:

breadmaakesyoufat:

i was talking to a guy and he said “if there were no laws you could be raped at any point of the day” and i replied with “yeah and i could retaliate by stabbing the rapist, hey i mean there are no laws” and he said “rape isn’t that bad, stabbing someone is a little over dramatic” wtf.

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GUYS NO.

PAINT YOUR NAILS WITH HIS BLOOD.